When I’m riled, I have a habit of listing all of the things I have had on the go…as if it somehow validates my tiredness, etc. One aspect of my perfectionism is that I think I should be 110% productive 110% of the time without ever, ever getting tired or cranky. When I am tired from go-go-going, it’s not uncommon to hear a monologue (because, let’s face it, nobody else gets to talk) like this:

So Thursday night my friend brought me the car and we went to a food / party supply place to look for bachelorette-party-appropriate candies and other things my sister might be able to actually use but then there was too much to choose from and she wasn’t home when I called so I left a message with her mother in law — have I mentioned that her in laws are living with her right now? OMG long story — and ended up putting everything back and then going home and sleeping and working and then running home at lunch to pack and leaving straight from work and work was madness and then fly fly flying to the dressmakers which is near home and 1.5 hours away and getting fitted and oh the mirror was bad and my underwear was worse but it’ll probably be ok if I don’t wear socks and dress sandals the day of the wedding and then running to the liquor store and then to the drugstore in town to get additional goodies and OMG this water business is killing me because I almost peed my pants at the drugstore — twice! and then I went to the surprise bachelorette party and it was awesome she was totally surprised and i broke a glass and bruised my arm and yay sober girl and then i went to mum’s and stayed the night and then rushed out to breakfast with friends and then back to mum’s to clean clean clean — OMG I did the fridge – and then out that night with another dress fitting squeezed in oh wait this is when I wore the socks and bad underwear and back that night and up the next morning to clean and tape off the bathroom and clean some more and then a dry run to see about flowers and then phone rang and I drove like a bat out of hell — it turns out for nothing — and that was the weekend and I was a total bitch on Monday even at my meeting with another board member so I went home and slept for four hours and out for groceries and wrote a post and talked wedding business and then slept all night and Tuesday was a lot better although long day at work + home at lunch to clean because I had company coming for supper after work and then they came and it was fun and we stuffed our faces and laughed laughed laughed and then I went for a 15 km bike ride and had an encounter with a bat and then yesterday was wild too because I worked and ran to the store and home at lunch to make something to take to a work potluck last night and then back to work plus a couple of wedding-y emails and the potluck was awesome — so fun! so much food! so yum! — and then I went home and instead of a bike ride I went shoe shopping — finally — and found possible shoes for five bucks I just home my youngest sister can find a matching pair in her town because they were all out here and then I tried on bras and support garments and OMG what a nightmare did you know I’m probably, actually, maybe a DD not a D? and then home and my stomach was upset and then the phone and finally bed at eleven where I dropped like a stone and now this is my second post of the day and I’m wearing a tooth whitening thing before work and and…oh, sorry…how are you?

So. Yeah. It’s been quite a week. And there’s more to come…hair tonight home tomorrow plus work both days and hopefully a bike ride and more shopping (yuck) and a trip to the psychic (because what wedding would be complete without a few doubts about one’s future / viability as a potential mother/relationship partner?) and then…Obviously, my inner monologue is very Finnegan’s Wake without being of any cultural interest. That’s the inner voice. That’s the stuff that’s on loop all day. The constant tally. And I continue to beat myself up for not doing enough and for being tired. I should be doing more to help. Should be getting more done. Should be riding my bike more. Have my financial house in order. Knitting more. Seeing more of my friends. And on and on and on.