I see skinny people and immediately want to ask them – what, exactly, do you eat? How much? Really?No, really? Tell me really.
It doesn’t seem to matter how many conversations I have with the dietitian, I just keep screwing it up again and again. I let myself continue to be bad the day I go to the dietitian…and the day after…and then, soon, it’s the day after that and I’m still being bad, still eating chips, still stuffing my face.
It feels to me like I’ve always eaten like this. Like I’ve always eaten too much, more than I should, more than I could possibly burn. I don’t want to be fat. Don’t want to weigh as much as I do. Don’t want to be uncomfortable in my own skin, mystified by the folds and flab.
I see women in wedding dresses and before I consider anything else…I consider the shapeliness of their shoulders, collarbone visibility, any visible overflow at the armpits…and, typically, I discount the dress as an option for myself someday. I know I’d like to wear a strapless dress someday. Or, at least, to know I have the OPTION.
My sister wore one last year and she’s a curvaceous person (more generously proportioned then than now). I’m sure it would be OK either way as long as the dress fit. I just like the way slim people seem able to pull it all off without any risk or fear. I’m not even engaged for pete’s sake, but I’m suddenly thinking about these things.Thinking that I need to get my act in gear so that when it happens I won’t suddenly feel like I need to go on a diet. I don’t like that I’m even thinking about this.I don’t like that I want or need to be thinner.
Forget the wedding dress. I just want to be able to go into Reitman’s and shop at the front of the store. There are dozens of sundresses on the racks out front this year and NOTHING on the racks at the back. I want something cute to wear. Something light and fun that makes me feel good. I’m tired of all of the “big momma” wear…tired of the same old, same old blouses and pants, the same polyester tops (now with even more patterns!)…I want to look and feel my age.
